Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
