I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
