What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
