Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
