The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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