I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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