When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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