i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
