Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
