If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
