Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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