Swine flu. Run for my life!
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My butt remains clenched, sir.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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