I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
