Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
