Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
