I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
