Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
