you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
