I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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