Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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