false alarm. still invincible.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
