just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
