ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
