he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
