She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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