So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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