How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
