Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
