Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
