Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
