I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
