Even the bartender felt bad for me
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The struggles of a small town man whore
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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