you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
