i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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