no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
