I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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