watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
