I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
