my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
