what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
