i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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