Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
