the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
