So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
