weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
