All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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