Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
do nipples grow back?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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