I just pynch a tree in the face
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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