She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
