yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
